The following represent actual notes given to a teacher explaining a child's absence from school... Please excuse Wayne for being absent yesterday, he had the fuel. Please excuse Karen from jim, she is administrating. Please excuse Darnell for being absent, he was sick and I had him shot. The following are the top 10 reasons why it is good to be man... 10. If you are 39 and single, no one really notices. 9. You can take a leak just about anywhere. 8. The same hairstyle last for years. 7. A five-day vacation requires just one suitcase. 6. Five pair of shoes is more than enough. (gym shoes don't count) 5. One wallet, one color, any season. 4. People don't look at your chest when they talk to you. 3. Wedding dress $2,000; Tuxedo rental $100. 2. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 1. The last name...stays put. Ladies....Two things a woman should never do in bed...point and laugh. FOUR MARRIAGES The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers: 10 - Have to sit upright while driving. 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat. 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music. 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time. 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr. 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race. 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho. 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition. 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR... 1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways! CHECK YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE. Now you can see anyone's driver's license on the internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was... picture and all!! Thanks Homeland Security! Where are our rights? I definitely removed mine. I suggest you do the same. Click the link below and check it out. Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked, "Please Remove." This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement. Check Your Driver's License POLITICS A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.' So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him . He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. 'The father says, 'good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.' The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit. PAYING A DEBT One evening, Mike went over to his friend, Terry's, house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs wide open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said "Did you like what you saw?" Mike said "Yes, I did!" Terry's wife said "Well, you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay. She said "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work." Mike said "I'll see you then." The next day Mike went over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left. Later Terry came home and asked "Had Mike been over here today?" Thinking she had been caught, she said, "As a matter of fact, he did." Terry said "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 until this evening, and he said he would leave it with you." A BAD SUNBURN A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital, and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who is rather astounded, says, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs." Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road." A dyslexic alcoholic walks into a bra. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!" Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word: OMELETTE Here it is in a sentence: I should pop yo ass for what you said, but omelette dis one slide! NEED SOME PAPER I used to work with a sista who wasn't to bright. One day she was typing and turned to me and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," I told her. With that, she took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies. The $100 TATTOO Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?" Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you Get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly. "What the hell were you thinking?" she said, Shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred Dollar bill tattooed on his privates?" "Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want." More from the Mind of DJ Chuck Dog....You are on page 2........Where you wanna go??? 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The Mind of DJ Chuck Dog
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